“Grab your baby and click away.”
Today is Presidents’ Day. It would be my day if I were to become the President. #PresidentsDay
If you follow Twitter drama of 100% real people, you know I’ve been trying to get Verified and it finally happened. #VerifyCaptainObvious
Judging books by their covers is an efficient way to figure out the title, author and genre.
Sometimes you don’t need the sharpest tool in the shed. Like a sledgehammer, for instance.
A penny saved is a penny earned. But if you’re saving one penny at a time, you’re probably never retiring.
If you’re the kind of person who believes everything they read, don’t forget you owe me $20.
Take one day at a time. Because taking 2 is impossible.
Don’t stab your friends in the back. Don’t stab them in the front either. Neither is very nice.
Watching the #RepublicanDebate is a great way to hear what Republicans think Democrats think.
My life used to be really great. It still is really great, but it also used to be too.
When I was your age, I was the same age that you are right now.
Never put off tomorrow what you can do today, unless you don’t feel like doing it today and tomorrow is better.
Being humble is really difficult because you never get to tell anyone about it.
I always live one day at a time since days only happen one at a time.
Running gives me a lot of time to reflect. I usually reflect on how tiring it is to run long distances.
To impress your friends, tell them you ran 5k. Sounds much more impressive than a 3.1 mile run.
I wonder how many canyons the person who named The Grand Canyon saw before naming it.
These journalists didn't go easy on me at all. They sped up several times.
When running for President, shorts help keep you cool. Which is terrible in Alaska.
If you're running for President, it's important to stay hydrated and not get lost.
Simply breathing in Colorado makes any day a SUPERTUESDAY.
I know leprechauns are supposed to grant wishes, but mine only ever have cereal. #NationalCerealDay
#IWillSmileTodayBecause I just remembered that Twitter verified that I am actually Captain Obvious. #VerifyCaptainObvious
March is a great month and an authoritative way to get around.
You'll regret it if you bite dust. It tastes terrible.
You can’t take somebody under your wing if you only have arms.
Wine is many people's favorite type of grape juice. #NationalDrinkWineDay
The most famous Lincoln was actually born in Kentucky. Nice try Nebraska.
Nothing says Happy Mother’s Day like a card saying Happy Mother’s Day.
On most flights you are technically traveling through time and space.
A New York minute is also 60 seconds. I timed it.
It may be called New England, but don't be fooled, it's still really old.
If you say "another day, another dollar," you are severely underpaid.
#IfIHadAnExtraFiveMinutes I'd have an extra 300 seconds.
The young people are stealing all our jobs. No one comes to my lemonade stand anymore.
When my Canadian friends say "eh?" I usually reply "B". It makes things very confusing. #ObviouslyCanada
The sky is sky blue.
To avoid any awkwardness, when life gives you lemons, take them and pretend that’s what you ordered. #BritishObservations
An awkward silence can be saved by talking about the weather. #BritishObservations
#DarndestThingsGrandparentsSay You're not in the will.
I was working against the clock last night, and easily won. Clocks have virtually no business skills.
I once jumped on the bandwagon, but got off immediately because there were no seats.
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